“The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck” by Mark Manson

This was a great book. At some point it was kind of a wake up call and a tough pill to swallow at the same time. It’s a great easy read. Some things I’m still chewing on are: values, having shitty ones vs having better ones. Problems, how they never stop and are also good for us. We should want better problems, not no problems. Entitlement, how it engenders negative emotions. Fear, how in the face of Death that is ever-possible, we should not be afraid of anything; because there is nothing to really fear. Lots of good stuff. Seems true even if I couldn’t verify any of the research. Most books seem to feel like that. Like I just gotta trust the data is there. Anyway, here are some of my notes from reading:

Chp. 1

-Focus on what you want reinforces Lack

-Give a fuck about less

-The feedback loop of Hell is the feeling you have when you have a feeling about feeling. “I’m so angry that I’m angry because I got angry.”

-Accept your reality, however negative, and that may help you feel positive.

-Keep chasing positivity and you’ll keep feeling like you lack it.

-“You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life.” Albert Camus.

-Everything worthwhile in life is won through surmounting the associated negative experience.

-Don’t try to escape the pain, don’t give a fuck about it.

-Giving a fuck about everything will have you feeling perpetually entitled to comfort and happiness—this will eat you alive.

-Be comfortable w/ being different, not indifferent

-Find something important to give your fucks to, otherwise you’ll give fucks to trivial shit

-Become selective w/ the fucks you give, called maturity, as time teaches you not to care about things that don’t have long term impact.

-Lose and let go.

-Life is suffering, we all must.

-Pain is useful, it causes change

-Problems never go away, they improve

Chp. 2

-Happiness comes from solving problems

-Emotions are just feedbacks, they don’t actually mean anything

-Instaed of asking yourself what you want, ask what are you willing to struggle for? (This.)

-Enjoy the climb

Chp.3 You are Not Special

-Measurement of one’s self worth defined by how people feel about the negative aspects of themselves

-Entitled people need to feel good about themselves all the time. Or they feel their problems are unique to them. 1) I’m awesome, y’all suck so I deserve special treatment or 2) I suck, y’all are awesome so I deserve special treatment. (Me lol)

-Feeling like life is only valuable at the most extreme levels of success or suffering is dangerous for you and others

-Successful people are obsessed with improvement, understanding they can always be better.

-Eat your veggies, physically and emotionally: Accept your mundane existence and you will be free to accomplish what really matters to you.

Chp.4 The value of Suffering

-Don’t ask how to stop suffering, ask “why am I suffering—for what purpose?”

-We get to decide what our problems mean based on how we choose to think about them, the standard by which we choose to measure them.

-If you want to change how you see your problems, you have to change what you value and/or how you measure failure/success

-Pleasure is the most superficial form of life satisfaction, easiest to obtain, easiest to lose. Pleasure doesn’t cause happiness, it’s the effect of happiness, a by-product.

-Material success doesn’t mean much if you live comfortably already, It becomes a problem once its value overshadows others like, honesty, compassion, nonviolence.

-Always being right prevents people from learning from heir mistakes, taking on new perspectives, empathizing with others. Better to assume you’re ignorant and don’t know a whole lot.

-Being positive too much can lead to prolonged negative emotions and emotional dysfunction. It can be avoidance. Negative emotions are necessary to emotional health. 1) Express in an acceptable and healthy manner and 2) Express them in a way that aligns w/ values.

-“One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful.” Freud

-Good values are 1)Reality-based 2) Socially constructive 3) immediate and controllable

-Bad Values are 1) superstitious 2) socially destructive 3) not immediate or controllable

-Ex: Fear of what others think about you is fear that others will think all the bad things you think of yourself and reflect it back to you

-Prioritize better values, choosing better things to give a fuck about.

Chp. 5 You are always choosing

-When we feel that we’re choosing our problems, we feel empowered

-We are responsible for everything in our lives. We interpret the meaning and choose a response. If we don’t realize it, we are still always choosing.

—The more we choose to accept responsibility in our lives, the more power we will exercise over our lives. 1st step to solving problems.

-We are always responsible to for experiences that aren’t always our fault. Fault is past tense, Responsibility is present tense.

-This process can cause one to feel wrong, to change values means affecting relationships and at first, to not know right from “wrong.”

Chp. 6 You’re Wrong About everything

-We are in the process of learning to be perfect or more true, but we never get there.

-Focus on being less wrong. Obsessing over being “right” about your life will keep you from living it.

-We assume we know how the story ends. Certainty is the enemy of growth.

Be in constant search of doubt, doubt about beliefs, feelings, our future. How are we wrong?

-We don’t know what actually makes experiences positive or negative.

-The human mind can quickly believe in and create BS. Our brains are meaning machines.

-Brains are constantly creating associations to help us understand and control the environment

-1) Brain is imperfect, we mistake what we remember, see, hear 2) Our brains hold onto our original “meaning” or associations as a bias

-All beliefs are wrong, as they are made up of inaccuracy, misrepresenting the whole world or the exact past.

-People who do horrible things must feel an unwavering certainty in their own righteousness, beliefs, and deservedness. They are not evil, everyone else is.

-Pursuing certainty breeds insecurity. In the despair of this insecurity, entitlement creeps in

-Try to be certain= more insecure you feel. Embrace being uncertain, not knowing= More comfortable you will feel in knowing what you don’t know

-Be open to finding out things through experience

-Uncertainty is the root of all progress and all growth. The more we admit we do not know, the more opportunities we gain to learn

-to solve our problems we have to admit our actions/beliefs are wrong and do not work.

-Manson’s Law: The more something threatens your identity, the more you will avoid it.

-Fear of success and failure threaten who they believe themselves to be. Identity as an actor holds me back from trying writing?

-Don’t find yourself, never know who you are, keeps you striving and discovering, humble in judgements, accepting of differences

-Let go of the “you” you think you are

-There is little that is unique or special about your problems—letting go is so liberating

-Don’t be special, dont be unique. Redefine your metrics in mundane and broad ways. Adventurous Artist

-Try These:

1) What if I’m wrong?

-Generally, we’re the worst observers of ourselves

-Goal is to ask this question, not to hate yourself

-Change can only come from being wrong about something.

2) What would it mean if I were wrong?

-Aristotle wrote, “It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.”

3)Would being wrong create a better or a worse problem than my current problem, for both myself and others?

-Goal is to determine which problem is better

-Often, beliefs are made up after we’ve arbitrarily decided our values/metrics in order to justify our bias towards those values/metrics

-If it’s between I fucked up OR everyone else did, it’s probably me. There are times you’re right, but if it feels like you vs the world, maybe it’s you vs you.

Chp. 7 Failure is the way forward

-Manage your metrics of success

-Improvement at anything is based on thousands of tiny failures, and the magnitude of your success is based on how many times you’ve failed at something

-We can be truly successful only at something we’re willing to fail at.

-Growth generates happiness, not achievements

-Picasso valued “honest expression”

-Proudest achievements come in the face of the greatest adversity

-fear, anxiety, sadness as essential to psychological growth. Pain is part of the process. You have to feel it.

-VCR questions appear easy on the outside, but are existential for those on the inside.

-With new values, you introduce new pain, relish, savor it, welcome it, then act despite it.

-Always remember you don’t know what you’re doing

-Don’t just sit. Do something. Answers will follow. Action isn’t just the effect of motivation; it’s also the cause of it.

-Endless loop of Act—Inspiration—Motivation

-The do something principle

-Start small, even with goals that are less tangible

Chp. 8

-Meaning in one’s life comes from a narrowing of freedom. Choosing to commit down to 1 thing.

-Rejecting alternative values is required when choosing others. To value X, we must reject non-X.

-Entitled people avoid doing anything that rejects, so as to avoid making them or others feel bad. They feel they deserve to feel great all the time.

-Love, as we see it today, as addictive as cocaine

-Unhealthy love is based on two people trying to escape their problems through their emotions for each other

-Healthy love is based on two people acknowledging and addressing their own problems with each others support.

-The difference: 1) How well each takes responsibility 2) and the willingness of each to reject and be rejected

-If you make a sacrifice for someone you care about, it needs to be because you want to, not because you feel obligated or because you fear the consequences of not doing so.

-Both people must be willing and able to both say no and hear no. Conflict is a necessary thing for a healthy relationship

-Truth is the most important ingredient in any relationship

-Trust rebuilds when 1) the trust-breaker admits the true values that caused the breach and owns up to them 2) trust-breaker builds a solid track record of improved behavior over time

-Paradox of choice can cause anxiety. Breadth of experience can’t give you depth of experience

-Commitment gives you freedom

Chp.9 And then you Die

-Values placed higher than his insecurities, after josh’s death, helped Mark Grow

-Ernest Becker and Shakespeare. The Denial of Death

-1) Humans are the only animals that can conceptualize 2) We have a physical self and a conceptual self which we hope will live on through immortality projects

-Death terror rules our desires to live forever. These are the root of our immortality projects.

-Mark Twain “The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.”

-What is your legacy? What mark will you have left when you die?

-Focus on being part of something larger than yourself, something greater, something unknowable

-There is nothing to be afraid of. Ever. Remind yourself of death often.