“Tie Me Up! Tie Me Down!” (1989) Dir. Pedro Almodóvar

Just finished this movie. Saturday night…feeling lonely…it’s pretty sexy. That sex scene felt very passionate and realistic. Apparently, even Elia Kazan thought so. But…I mean, this is the thing—the guy is fucking insane and Marina is psychologically trapped by him, right? So…it’s not sexy…right? Marina is the lonely one, she’s alone in her being abused (Not me, the person voyeuring the simulated sex scene). The last shot of her crying miserably with her abuser was incredible. Reminds me of Cate Blanchett in Blue Jasmine or Meryl Streep in Kramer v. Kramer. Just shots of these quiet sobs, of inner turmoil, from a riveting performer. Victoria Abril is amazing, what an actor! She really grounds the story. At first, I thought well, Antonio Banderas is funny so he’s not too serious a character and then—he was. Like, he’s very serious…When he punches her in the face and the story shifts into a darker gear, I couldn’t help but be shocked. I didn’t see it coming because I assumed the guy who knows how to make love was always the hero. Which we see in the very first scene. Also, it may be a “Foreign Film” aesthetic for the genre to change, but I appreciate that because I’m so used to movies that don’t always have that. I thought this movie was amazing. I loved so much about it. I think this is my first Almodóvar film and naturally, now I want to watch all of his work. The colors were so great. The camera angles were exciting and provocative. Every shot felt layered with thought, but not that it was forcing me to think, it just had a lot going on that was very satisfying, interesting, and emotional.

I wonder how people feel about this movie? Something about it also connected me to my Mother’s Spanish because there were so many words I understood and so many I felt sounded similar to my Mom’s “refined” Colombian accent. And I love that Spanish commercial in the middle of the movie, that is celebrating the Latin Lover stereotype against the obviously violent “other side” of that stereotype. A stereotype I assume allows Ricky (Banderas) to feel justified in kidnapping this vulnerable woman. It’s like the movie is partly about toxic masculinity’s extremely dark side. The commercial is the culture that continues to excuse this. It’s really a great movie. There’s also this emotional element of Banderas’ character where I feel bad for him, and even Marina’s sister seems to approve of him by the end. Made me think that even Marina’s own family supports monsters. Which made me think that poor Marina was always destined to fall into this kind of relationship. It’s a rollercoaster and “feast for the eyes” kind of movie. The colors were amazing, something about the brightness and specificity of them reminded me of Wes Anderson. It’s such a cool-looking movie. Like Kill Bill, the red color palettes and environments just feel right, and the lighting is perfect. I kept thinking that this movie has a classic-feel, but that it could also be made now. I mean there’s the Walkman and the 80’s music, but it felt like something that could be released this year. Luca Guadagnino has a similar sensuality mixed with similar provocative *umph*. The sex between characters seems to be saying something about the characters and the story in meaningful ways. It’s really great.

I just watched a short interview between Banderas and Almodóvar on YouTube, and they didn’t consider the film to be horrific. Almodóvar called it a fairytale and romance. Which is just so funny because I don’t think I understand the world at all, now.

I think I’ve watched movies as a way to escape my life for so long, and to such a degree, that now I’m always trying to excavate meaning from stories, so that I can then shape my life according to those meanings. For example, I dropped out of school and joined a trade school because I saw Lip Gallagher do it on Shameless. I thought if I wanted to be hot like Jeremy Allen White, then working on cars was my next step in life. But if I saw this movie as a kid, I wonder if I would think it okay to punch a woman in the face, as long as I apologized, did it for my “own safety,” then made passionate love to her, and finally, lived happily ever after with her.

Maybe I’ve just always felt alone in my life that movies have become overly important. Maybe to everyone else stories are just a lark. It’s all joke, you know? Almodóvar had the passionate sex first and then realized he could tell a complicated story about it. He didn’t watch a movie about passionate sex first to understand it. Could that have been the creative process?

Almodóvar: Man, she wass amazing, but she’ss sso fucking nutss! Esspecially to fuck essomeone like me, hahaha!

Banderas: Pedro—there’ss a movie in that!

Almodóvar: Cabron, jou are right! (To his assistant) Bring me every esskinny actresss on the face of thiss planet!

Me: (Coming out of a shadow) Pedro isn’t this idea a kind of fucked up commentary on how aggressive men can be and how they get away with it?

Almodóvar: Only if jou are not a man! Ricky iss ssad and therefore musst cum his pssychopathy away!

Me: What about Marina, what if what she really needs can’t be solved with an orgasm—

Almodóvar: Prepossterouss—jou Americans with jour progresssive idealss, jou forget the very nature of humanity—

Me: No Pedro listen, you mention that she has a history of substance abuse, that she was an actress in porn, which her boss loves, and then this boss hires her so he can constantly give her sexual advances, which she rejects—

Almodóvar: Get to jour point, pendejo!

Me: How can anyone, from an outside point of view, trust that this woman is actually happy with Ricky in the end, and not just trying to survive her inner pain. She’s committing to a relationship that is familiar, but not exactly healthy.

Almodóvar: Frankly, I do not think jou know what jou are talking about, si?

Me: Is she happy? Because it looks like she’s crying by the end.

Almodóvar: Niño, sighs have jou ever made love to a woman?

Me: Uh, I think so…

Almodóvar: If jou think, then we can not talk about thesse thingss. Jou have to know, hijo…tsk tsk tsk.

Me: But Señor Almodóvar, with respect, how can I know if what I’ve found is love by your definition? If I used your film as a rulebook, then I would have to break into a woman’s home, punch her unconscious, tell her about my sad life, apologize for hitting her, tell her I only hit her to “save” myself, control her every move, when she eats and uses the bathroom, and then ALL by “chance” have her take care of me in some way, that perfectly devolves into passionate fiery sex. I mean doesn’t that seem 3-parts hateful to a quarter romantic?

Almodóvar: The art is mysteriouss this way…tsk tsk tsk

Me: (Sounds of heaven) Actually Pedro, shut up—

Almodóvar: What!?

Me: I think while listing all the best moments of your film’s plot, I have conjured up a throbbing hard-on! The likes of which you’ve probably only dreamt of filming.

Almodóvar: Por favor, let me get my camera!

Me: No, Pedro! Some things must not be filmed.

Almodóvar: I don’t undersstand, ssad-man-child-in-pajamass.

Me: Don’t jou ssee, it’ss not the journey that matters, with all itss consspicuouss inconssisstencsiess, it’ss the climax jou give yoursself that iss the mosst rewarding, the mosst compelling. And ass men, we can only behave ass God made uss, ass sstupid animalss in essearch of finer beingss, perhapss with more stability den oursselvess…dee women—

Almodóvar: Now jou ssee, hijo! Jou are Colombian!

Me: Jes! Jes! Thank God for dee women, who God hass gifted for uss!

Okay end of scene.

Look…I got bored and also frustrated. So, if you are a potential employer who’s read this far—thank you. Know that what you read above was an improvised sketch between me and Pedro Almodoóvar about his pornographic thriller movie, Átame!. I hope this blog holds a mirror up to society’s dirty taint. Thank you.

Wait actually I’m not done, maybe this movie is just as kinky as Papillion or something, you know? Almodóvar just wants us to enjoy his kink. Because if thats what it is, then I’m back in! Of course she’s consenting! It’s a fetish! Those don’t go wrong!

Okay. Now I’m actually done…I’m sure you sensed it, but the truth is…I was jealous the whole time i watched this movie. Because why does Banderas get to be criminal and still adored? It’s the kind of fantasy story that makes my insides rot from the sweetness. I feel like I need the bitter toothpaste of reality, that can sting me back to the world, as I know it, from my ugly teethy perspective.

Or-Or-Hear me out! What if I started looking for a woman to tie her up—WAIT! Just listen! So, that then I can eventually tie her down? Eh? Eh? Not bad, right? Then, I could be just like Banderas. Mattonio Banderas. Mattonio Banderro. YES!

End of PART 1

Rolling Ferro AKA Mattonio Banderro AKA Rolling Banderro